


Humans for Dummies: Ivy Edition

by AriaNeige, tikii



Category: Cytus (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Power Points, T-posing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriaNeige/pseuds/AriaNeige, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tikii/pseuds/tikii
Summary: For Ivy, the concept of humans and how they work was... rather odd to her. Their emotions, phrases, ways and practices always had her confused and honestly? Quite concerned. Unfortunately for her, blending in with the humans was not as easy as she thought it would be.
Relationships: Ivy | OPCI_2501_IV & Aroma White | Paff, Ivy | OPCI_2501_IV & Asakura Neko | NEKO#ΦωΦ, Ivy | OPCI_2501_IV & Colin Neumann Jr. | ConneR, Ivy | OPCI_2501_IV & Vanessa | OPCI_2501_V
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. Assertion

**Author's Note:**

> [Daily08]  
> Lots of people have been wondering what exactly the recent trend has been with the “T-pose” and we here at Daily08 can help you with your understanding! T-pose: when someone stands straight up, legs together, arms fully extended like Christ on the cross, or a rock star basking in adulation. In 3-D animation, this is the default posture for character models when no positioning or movement is specified. It’s recently become a trend for several memes, as teenagers “t-pose to assert dominance” or to “show they’re superior” and it has led to some iconic results!
> 
> Save date: 699.01.23  
> Note: Daily08 Questions Section  
> Relevance comparison result...... High  
> Decision: Utilize t-pose  
> Activity planning: During next debate, utilize the t-pose to win the argument and blend in with humans

One thing Ivy had noticed was that she was horrible at blending in with humans.

It wasn’t something she had realized immediately, as she and Vanessa lived together and rarely left their apartment. At first, it was because they had finally been reunited and spent the days trying to comfort each other after all that had happened. Then it became a habit, as Ivy was able to make money off of producing music, she didn’t even need to leave their home. Besides the occasional trips to the grocery store, Ivy and Vanessa happily settled into a relaxing routine in the confines of their apartment. That wasn’t to say they were lonely, as Neko, Aroma, Simon, and even ConneR would occasionally stop by to keep them company.

On one of these occasions, Ivy had been dragged out of her apartment to go eat lunch with Neko and Aroma, while Vanessa rested back home. This was somewhat of a pattern for the two, as they would alternate between dragging Vanessa or Ivy out or both, and take them to different quadrants to explore. Today they were at a mall, somewhere humans gathered to buy clothes, however, the two girls had yet to buy a single item. They cheerfully dragged Ivy between stores, cooing over specific clothing, trying on various items (and attempting to get Ivy to try on some new clothes, which she adamantly refused), yet not once purchasing. 

The urge to snarl almost overwhelmed Ivy as she was dragged into yet another store, only for Paff and Neko to once more walk out empty handed. Again, the girls had grabbed a mountain of clothes and scrambled to the fitting rooms, seeking Ivy’s opinion on multiple outfits before laughing and not buying any items. 

_Is this another human tradition? It’s so inefficient, but then again most humans are..._

Ivy felt relief flood her system when Neko finally started complaining about how hungry she was, as it gave Ivy a break from the monotony of (the lack of) shopping. Ivy barely managed to conceal a glare as Aroma latched onto her elbow, distantly noting that Neko had hooked her own arm around Aroma’s other, allowing the idol to guide them.

“As you’ve let us torment you enough,” Aroma began, teasingly smiling towards Ivy, “I’ll pay for lunch. There’s a steak place nearby I want to try out if that’s alright with both of you?”

“Neko would love that! Steak is so good!” The streamer eagerly shot out, her free hand punching the air above her.

Ivy took a moment to respond, puzzled as to why Neko would aggressively put her fist in the air. Wasn’t she excited about the place to eat? The girl loved steak, why would she perform such a violent action if she was happy? “Yes, of course. Thank you, Paff.” Aroma grinned and led the way into a restaurant. Once the hostess noticed the celebrity in front of her, two waiters scrambled to clean a table for them.

_Activate this unit data search program_

_Searching specific subject: punching the air_

_Sort: Relevance to excitement_

_Extracting data...... Complete_

**[Basicopedia]**

_Air punch: an_ _act_ _of_ _hitting_ _upwards_ _with_ _your_ _fist_ _(closed_ _hand_ _) to show that you are_ _happy_ _because you have been_ _successful_

_Save date: 701.12.07_

_Note: Meanings of Motions_

_Relevance comparison result...... High_

_Decision: Neko’s motion was expressing visible excitement_

Ivy nodded to herself, pleased to have deduced the streamer’s mysterious motion, while a young girl led them to a reclusive table. 

“Here’s your table, a waiter will be here to take your order soon! I hope you enjoy!” The hostess chirped before walking away.

Ivy took the moment to tune out the chatter of the two girls, ignoring Neko as she rambled about, “Aroma-chan! I almost said ‘thanks, you too’ to the waitress! Neko would have been so embarrassing!” The robot resisted the urge to put her hood up, as she had stumbled upon a show that included a scene of a teenage boy being yelled at by his mother for wearing his hood up in a restaurant. 

_Humans are so weird…_

“Do you all need a few more minutes or can I take your order?” The waiter asked, pleasantly smiling at the group as he appeared at their table.

“Yes, could I please have an iced tea and a filet mignon, well done!” Aroma provided quickly.

Eyes not once leaving Aroma’s face, Neko added, “I’ll have the same as Aroma-chan!” 

“Sounds good!” The boy replied, cheerfully jotting down notes onto a pad. “And for you, Miss?”

“The same, but as rare as can be and with a pepsi. Thanks,” Ivy said quickly 

“Coming right up! Your drinks will be out in a minute!” The waiter responded, before heading to the kitchen. Ivy leaned back in the booth, once more absently listening to Neko’s endless stream of chatter. The robot hid a sigh of relief when the food finally arrived, momentarily stalling the streamer’s mouth. Ivy stabbed a fork into her food, roughly using the knife to tear off a piece.

Suddenly, Neko excitedly shook Paff’s arm, “Aroma-chan, Aroma-chan! Listen, do you hear the music that the restaurant is playing? It’s Xenon’s new song!”

“It is! I really like it, it’s such a bop! Maybe I’ll promote it on my iM later, I’m sure my followers will love it!” The idol chuckled, a big smile gracing her lips.

_A… bop?_

_Activate this unit data search program_

_Searching specific subject: bop_

_Sort: Relevance to Xenon’s song_

_Extracting data...... Complete_

**[Basicopedia]**

_The Bureau of Prisons (BOP) is responsible for the care, custody, and control of incarcerated individuals across all of the Nodes._

_Save date: 700.02.19_

_Note: The Governance of the Nodes_

_Relevance comparison result...... Low_

_Decision: No related information_

_Activity planning: Process next file_

_Program activation...... start_

**[Announcer]**

_Bop it! Twist it! Pull it! This rediscovery by ConneR has revolutionized physical games! Purchase for your family to experience both history and fun!_

_Save date: 703.02.17_

_Note: Bop It! Commercial recording footage_

_Relevance comparison result...... Medium to low_

_Decision: Information unlikely to be related_

_Activity planning: Process next file_

_Program activation...... start_

**[Encyclopedia Arctannica]**

_Bop: a blow, to strike, as with a fist or stick; hit._

_Save date: 703.03.05_

_Note: Encyclopedia Arctannica definitions_

_Relevance comparison result...... Low_

_Decision: Information unlikely to be related_

_Activity planning: Unable to find high relevance. Continue to search for term at later point_

_Program activation...... halted_

Ivy managed to keep a frown off of her face. Lately, she had run into issues with her search database despite updating regularly. Terms and phrases did not always appear in her searches as the modern ‘slang’ quickly adapted. Based on contextual clues, Ivy could derive that ‘bop’ most likely had a positive connotation. She put a note in her system to continue her search later.

“I know! The song really slaps!” Neko exclaimed, throwing her arms up with a large grin.

_… slaps?_

_Activate this unit data search program_

_Searching specific subject: slaps_

_Sort: Relevance to Xenon’s song_

_Extracting data...... Complete_

**[Encyclopedia Arctannica]**

_Slap: hit (someone or something) with the palm of one's hand or a flat object_

_Save date: 703.01.23_

_Note: Encyclopedia Arctannica definitions_

_Relevance comparison result...... Unsure_

_Decision: Information unlikely to be related_

_Activity planning: Process next file_

_Program activation...... start_

**[Reporter]**

_Angry fan slaps Mono Chief Executive Officer during protest of how Mono designs its contracts._

_Save date: 703.03.09_

_Note: Daily08 Report_

_Relevance comparison result...... Unsure_

_Decision: Information possibly related_

_Note: Only found searches that correspond with violence_

_Decision: Warn Simon Jackson about the hostility his music presents to others_

_Activity planning: Contact Simon Jackson regarding this issue at a later date_

“Ivy! What do you think of Xenon’s new song?” Aroma asked, abruptly bringing Ivy away from her searching.

“I, uh, I personally enjoy the song.” Ivy responded, trying to hide her unease. She couldn’t be sure of what their terms meant, but their tones reflected an appreciation for the music, confusing Ivy. The robot continued to cut into her food and inhale it rapidly, purposefully ignoring Neko’s gawking.

“I’ll have to let him know that even the legendary Æsir appreciates his music.” Neko teased absently, staring at Ivy’s plate in horror. “Wow, you seemed to like your steak!”

“Could have been rarer.” Ivy responded despondently, once more focused on consuming the fuel in front of her.

“Ivy… that is the rarest steak I’ve ever seen.” Neko stated.

“And it could have been rarer.” Ivy quipped back, finishing off the last of her food. The robot silently watched as the two humans continued their chatter while slowly picking apart their food. She sighed in relief when they were finally able to leave the restaurant and Aroma mentioned that it was time to return to their homes, though Ivy was unable to convince the two humans to let her walk home on our own. Ivy fiddled with her hood, trying to hide her face as much as possible as random humans ran over to Paff and Neko, squealing with excitement. Finally Ivy made it home, quickly wishing the girls a good night before closing the door in their face with a sigh.

“Ivy!” A voice called from the apartment, and Ivy immediately felt herself cheer up. She straightened her spine and pushed her hood away from her face. 

“Vanessa,” Ivy sighed happily, feeling herself relax as she walked over to her roommate. 

“How was shopping?” Vanessa asked, making room for Ivy on the couch. 

“I don’t understand humans. They dragged me to so many stores for several hours, yet they did not buy a single item. What is the purpose of going shopping if they’re not going to make any purchases?” Ivy vented.

“To socialize? Maybe they never planned to buy anything to begin with but they just wanted to have fun?” Vanessa responded, putting a hand on her chin in the pose of ‘The Thinker’ that had just been rediscovered. Ivy laughed softly, gently pushing Vanessa’s arms away from her face with a smile.

“But Neko socializes no matter what. She doesn’t need to drag me to multiple stores to do so,” Ivy managed out, the tone of her complaints becoming softer as Vanessa chuckled.

“It’s a very human thing-”

“But humans are so _weird!”_ Ivy whined, hiding a smile as Vanessa continued laughing.

“We do need to learn from them though if we want to go outside often.” The pink haired robot gently chided through her giggles.

That comment made Ivy still, running through the notes she had made throughout the day. “That reminds me, I need to look through my notes again and research some of the words the girls used. They’re so confusing!”

Vanessa chewed on her lip for a moment, before replying, “Well, humans spend a lot of their time on the internet right? Especially that iM thing Neko talks about a lot. Maybe we can try running searches and looking through there to understand humans?”

All of this had led Ivy to her current position. She was curled up on her couch, endlessly searching through the internet. Every term she was unfamiliar with she searched, leading her farther and farther into the recesses of the iM as she struggled to comprehend ‘memes,’ but Vanessa's laughter next to her made it all worthwhile. Turning her focus back to iM, all of her processors focused on one specific message, as she tried to gain any understanding of what the message could mean.

**[MercuryIsInGatorade]**

Guys! Look at how my friend spawned! It was normal on his screen, but on mine he was just a flying T Pose! Talk about asserting your dominance!

_Activate this unit data search program_

_Searching specific subject: t pose_

_Sort: Relevance to asserting dominance_

_Extracting data...... Complete_

**[Daily08]**

_Lots of people have been wondering what exactly the recent trend has been with the “T-pose” and we here at Daily08 can help you with your understanding! T-pose: when someone stands straight up, legs together, arms fully extended like Christ on the cross, or a rock star basking in adulation. In 3-D animation, this is the default posture for character models when no positioning or movement is specified. It’s recently become a trend for several memes, as teenagers “t-pose to assert dominance” or to “show they’re superior” and it has led to some iconic results!_

_Save date: 699.01.23_

_Note: Daily08 Questions Section_

_Relevance comparison result...... High_

_Decision: Utilize t-pose_

_Activity planning: During next debate, utilize the t-pose to win the argument and blend in with humans_

“Vanessa! I think I’m really starting to grasp humans! They have these motions that are used to win confrontations! I can use these when I’m interacting with the others!” Ivy excitedly rambled, proud of her understanding of humans.

“Oh Ivy!” Vanessa exclaimed, wrapping the other robot in a quick hug, “I’m sure our friends will love it! I can’t wait! Teach me, teach me!” 

So Ivy spent the rest of the night practicing this strange human motion with Vanessa, both beaming with their success at assimilating into human culture. Ivy couldn’t wait to be able to impress the others with her new skills.

As the first opportunity arose, Ivy realized how effective this motion truly was.

**[ConneR]**

_Hi Ivy, would you mind meeting up today? I have some questions about what you remember from your past. As repayment, I’ll pay for lunch._

**[Ivy]**

_Neumann, as long as you let me order a second meal to bring back for Vanessa, it’s a deal_

**[ConneR]**

_It would be my pleasure, let’s meet at Joe’s Cafe at noon_

Ivy logged off of iM and told Vanessa she would be heading out. She typically would have asked Neumann if Vanessa could have joined in, but Ivy tried not to remind Vanessa too much of the past. It wasn’t too long ago that Vanessa had been woken up and they’d tried to make as many new memories as possible instead of focusing on the past. So Ivy gave Vanessa a quick hug as she trotted out the door, her hood obscuring her face as she briskly walked towards the cafe.

“Ivy, it’s good to see you again!” Neumann called out in greetings once she entered.

“Likewise, I take it you’re stopping by this Node to fix any technology you need before you head out?” Ivy drawled back.

“And of course to say hi to all of my friends. I’ve already had the pleasure of talking to Mr. Jackson.”

“I do believe you mean harassing him?” Ivy quipped back, which sent the middle aged man into a fit of laughter.

“It’s good to see you are the same as ever, Ivy. Now, if you don’t mind comparing notes with me. On my latest excavation, I came across…” The conversation quickly became filled with questions and theories, with Ivy occasionally giving away some information on possible places to look into based off of her memories. Ivy hardly noticed the food had already come as she focused on the conversation, the only lapses in speaking to quickly take a bite here and there. But as their food came to a close and the waiter brought over the food Ivy was supposed to bring home to Vanessa, Ivy startled, bringing the conversation to an abrupt halt.

“Neumann, this is enough food to last for a week. I’m not accepting it.” Ivy ground out, keeping her face perfectly neutral.

“Well, I will be living off the land for the next few weeks, so I am unable to spend my money, which I have plenty of. I thought it would be a nice gift and repayment for the knowledge you have brought me.” Neumann replied with a smile. It was somewhat of a game for them. The first time this had happened, Neumann had bought Vanessa a single extra meal and Ivy had been thankful. But each time they met up, the number of meals Ivy took home increased. While Ivy assumed it was humorous for the man, it was starting to get on her nerves that she had to carry multiple boxes home, ignore all the stares sent her way while she was at it, and then need to eat the food before it went bad.

“Well, you should then take some with you, Neumann. I’m sure you’ll need them.”

“Still, it is my pleasure, I insist.” The man replied, leaning back with an amused grin.

Ivy stood up from her seat and went to Neumann’s side of the booth, lifting her arms until they were perpendicular from her body. Fortunately, Neumann remained in his seat so that she could look down on him as she t-posed. “Neumann, I will take at most two meals back. You will take the rest of the meals with you.”

Neumann only nodded dumbly, staring at her with visible shock. Ivy quickly collected two of the meals and with a “thanks for the meal,” Ivy walked out of Joe’s Cafe. Her stride was confident and triumphant, a smile etched onto her face.

T-posing truly was an amazing thing.


	2. Presentation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sorry, sorry - but I’m serious. The moment you start t-posing to get your point across, I draw a line. A long line.”
> 
> —
> 
> In which Ivy is taught a few things when it came to humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !!! tiki here - aria and i have decided to combine our very chaotic powers to make this amazing , cursed series and i think it’s going to be super funny
> 
> anyway !!! have this - neko is a concerned friend and ivy is just as tired as simon is

**_Neko:_ **

**_come to my house today at 2:30. i have smth for u_ **

_...Why. And can Vanessa come?_

**_you’ll see ;))_ **

**_and sorry , sis - just you today._ **

_Okay. Why, though?_

**_read 11:46._ **

Ivy read the text exchange over and over again with furrowed eyebrows, confusion flooding her system. She’d even go so far to say that she was a little _scared_ , if she was being honest. But she was able to tear herself away from Vanessa to go to Neko’s house, which hopefully wouldn’t take a while. 

Ivy hesitantly knocked on the door, putting her phone back in her pocket as she waited.

She almost groaned when she realized she could _hear_ Neko’s rapid footsteps.

The door swung open, and a blur of black and pink grabbed onto Ivy’s arm, pulled her inside, and slammed the door behind her. The next thing she knew, Ivy was being pulled up a flight of stairs, deposited into a chair with a notebook and pencil in her lap. “Wh-?!”

“Alright, Ivy! I heard about the t-posing incident from Sensei and made this as fast as I could!” Neko exclaimed. She had some sort of… pointing stick in her hand and was standing in front of a screen with some sort of… projection on it. The words on the screen read ‘ _How to Human for Dummies’_ , and honestly, Ivy was a little offended.

“...I’m not dumb, Neko.” Ivy deadpanned.

“I know that! It’s just… you don’t know a _lot_ about how humans work. So, I’m going to teach you!” She slammed the pointer in her hand. “Get ready to buckle up and take notes!” 

“W-wait,” Ivy stuttered. “I-I thought you were joking?”

“Honey-“

“Don’t call me honey.”

“Sweetie-“

“ _Don’t_ call me sweetie-“

“Sorry - I forgot you were saving those names for Vanessa to call you.” Neko snorted. Much to her horror, Ivy actually _squeaked_ and pulled her hood over her eyes, groaning as Neko began to laugh. 

“Sorry, sorry - but I’m serious. The moment you start _t-posing_ to get your point across, I draw a line. A _long_ line.” Neko put her hands on her hips. 

“...I-“

“Hah! I’ve rendered you _speechless_ \- that’s a new accomplishment.” Neko patted herself on the back, then grabbed a remote and clicked a button. “Topic #1! Human relationships!”

And so Neko _went_ . She spoke about how to hold a conversation, different things to say, stuff she called ‘slang’ and _not_ to do that pose that Ivy had been doing.

The pose had worked, though, so Ivy was a little confused. 

And then Neko moved on to different things, like sayings and phrases, and then she moved onto what people ate - mainly cooked foods.

They’ve been here before - there was an incident where Neko and Aroma stayed the night, and Ivy got hungry in the middle of the night and decided to have what was dubbed as ‘raw meat’ as a meal. It was good! It was rather tasty - and it was a good source of fuel and energy! However, Ivy’s eyes had a tendency to… glow in the dark since they were red and powered by light. So, Neko came out of the room for some water and had seen Ivy having a perfectly normal meal, but her eyes _freaked_ Neko out. And, apparently, raw meat wasn’t good for you?

It was never ‘bad’ for Ivy. 

Ivy guessed that incident was why Neko has about 20 slides on cooked food, what to eat and how to eat it. 

“Are you understanding this so far, Ivy?” Neko asked, pausing her slides. Ivy nodded silently, and she guessed Neko thought it wasn’t a satisfying answer. “Are you _sure_? I mean, I know you’re just a baby in the grand scheme of things and have been recently thrown into this world-“

“I’m 600 years old.”

“And I just want to teach you, so that you can teach Vanessa!” Neko beamed. “So - do you understand everything that I told you so far?”

“...yeah.” Ivy mumbled.

“Good!” Neko chirped. “Let’s move on, okay?” 

“...okay.”

Ivy wouldn’t say it out loud, but she… really appreciated what Neko was doing for her. Maybe she _could_ teach Vanessa how to blend in more. 

Neko continued with her presentation, and even though Ivy didn’t take notes, she tried retaining the knowledge the best she could. Humans were… _really_ weird. They said weird things, ate weird things, and their behaviors were… _weird_.

But there was a part with Neko’s presentation that had her _really_ paying attention - emotions.

Emotions were such an integral part of her life, even though she didn’t really understand some emotions. Maybe Neko’s… presentation would help her sort through some emotions. Maybe it would help her identify some emotions too. Honestly? If she was able to identify more emotions, she probably wouldn’t feel as if she was _dying_ every time she felt a new, weird emotion.

“And we’re done! Do you have any questions for me?” Neko exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. “Do you want to _compliment_ me on how beautiful my slides were?”

“Uh, yeah I have a question… what was with those images you used?” Ivy set the notebook and pencil to the side, her eyebrows furrowing. 

“What? Stock images? I thought they were hilarious - Sensei excavated them about a year and a half ago. They’re _super_ funny - I use them all the time.” Neko beamed. “Do you like them?”

“...they were weird, but…” Ivy looked away. “...I guess they were a little funny.” 

Neko cheered, jumping up and down. “I have impressed Æsir herself! That’s a new achievement for me, I’m pretty sure.”

“Don’t get too cocky, Neko.” Ivy suppressed a snort and stood up. “I wasn’t _thoroughly_ impressed. You only used one color throughout the presentation.”

“But I used rainbow colored comic sans! Which Sensei also excavated a year and a half ago - I have to thank him for a lot, gosh-“

“Thanks, Neko.” Ivy bit out, her face feeling unusually warm. Neko gasped and dropped her pointer, jumping forward and wrapping her arms around Ivy.

“Awww!!!!! Don’t be shy, Ivy - I know I deserve all the praise in the world!”

“Please get your arms off of me.”

“Oh, I didn’t teach you about hugs-“

“I _know_ about hugs.” Ivy gritted her teeth together as Neko pulled away. Neko looked a bit confused at first, but then her eyes lit up as if she realized something.

“...oooh. I see. I see you.” Neko smiled slyly. “I see you.”

“...yes. I am standing right in front of you. I’d be concerned if you couldn’t see me.” Ivy said, looking genuinely confused. Neko let out a sigh. 

“...I guess I haven’t covered everything. BUT! We’ll cover the rest soon - I’m sure you have other places to be.” Neko patted Ivy on the shoulder.

“I… I’m serious. Thanks, Neko.” Ivy averted her gaze. “This was helpful.”

“Aww - it wasn’t a problem. When I text you again, you better be here _ready_ to learn!”

Ivy found herself snorting in reply. “Pff. Okay, Neko. I’ll see you around.”

“Take care, Ivy! Take care of Vaness for me, too - oh wait, you already do-“

“Shut up.”

Ivy walked out of Neko’s house, pulling her hood over her eyes as Neko cackled. 

——-

“...Why am I here again?” Ivy asked, a little irritated. 

“Because I just need to go over some things with you for an upcoming concert - it’ll take a couple of minutes.” Simon replied, opening his computer.

“Isn’t having me over a _little_ bit extra?” Ivy raised an eyebrow, giving herself a mental check for using a new word that Neko taught her. 

“I thought it’d be a little easier for you to be here but… I guess it’s a little annoying.” Simon replied, not looking up from his computer.

“A little?” Ivy snorted.

(If she was being honest with herself, she liked Simon. He got her kind of humor.)

“Right - I think it’s more than annoying.”

Ivy found herself smiling a little. “All fax - no printer.”

Simon _snapped_ up from his computer and stared at her with wide eyes. “What did you just say?”

Ivy put her hands up in surrender. “W-wh-“

“Who taught you that?” Simon looked _so exasperated_. 

“...Neko?” Ivy tried, and Simon let out a loud groan.

“Listen, Ivy… I hate to break it to you, but…”

Ivy but back a groan. When would she be able to catch a break? 

It seemed like never. 


	3. lemonade and kitchen tools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah. What did you think it was called?” Simon furrowed his eyebrows. 
> 
> “...the metal mixing thing.” Ivy muttered in reply, scowling when Neko began to laugh. “Do you blame me? This is the first time I’ve officially used… things in a kitchen.” 
> 
> —
> 
> In which Ivy learns a thing or two about the kitchen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS BASED OFF REAL EVENTS  
> hi i’m tiki and welcome to ‘ the shitshow ‘  
> the lemonade event has been brought to you by aria and beck , and it took place in the discord server because we’re all crackheads there  
> but you should join it’s super fun  
> anyway !!! this is just 2000+ words of ivy and aroma baking while simon and neko yell at each other   
> i hope you enjoy ^^

“...are you sure this is a good idea?” Ivy asked, looking at the array of… tools and kitchen  _ stuff _ in front of her. 

“Yes! 100% - I’m so sure, that I even invited Xenon and Aroma-chan to come over - they’ll be here for moral support!” Neko exclaimed, bouncing in place. 

“...they’re going to be here to see me make a fool out of myself.” Ivy muttered.

“No! We’re going to work  _ together  _ to help you cook some stuff - and who knows! Maybe you could cook for Vanessa after this!” Neko grinned, making sure everything was orderly on the island of the kitchen. 

“...right.” Ivy raised her eyebrows. “How do you know that they’re even going to show up?”

“Oh, they will.” Neko smirked. “I bribed Xenon with milk.” 

“That’s just another thing to hold over his head.” Ivy snorted. 

“Another thing? You’re implying that you have a  _ lot  _ to hold over his head.” Neko wiggled her eyebrows, causing Ivy to snort into her hand. “You have to tell me all about the things you can hold over his hea-“

There was a knock at the door.

“Neko, it’s me - let me in.” 

Ah. Simon was here.

“Tell me later.” Neko whispered hurriedly, then she scurried to the door and opened it with a jump and an exclamation. “Xenon!! You made it!!”

“Yeah.” Simon looked up and locked eyes with Ivy, who seemed to be maintaining a deadpan expression without blinking. Apparently Simon saw that as a challenge, because his face fell into a similar deadpan and suddenly, they were locked in a staring contest.

Neko watched awkwardly as Ivy and Simon stared at each other, slowly slinking back towards the kitchen island. They were locked in this staring contest for about three minutes until Simon finally gave up and blinked, cursing inwardly. The corners of Ivy’s mouth perked up into a small smirk, but she said nothing and redirected her attention back to Neko.

“Do you know what time Aroma is coming over?” Ivy asked, leaning against the island. 

“She’ll be here in five minutes.” Neko grinned at Ivy, then turned to glare at Simon. “Are you just going to stand in the doorway? Come in and close the door behind you, would ya?” 

Simon grumbled to himself and closed the door behind him, moving to awkwardly lurk by the fridge. Five minutes of silence later, Aroma came knocking at the door, beaming excitedly. 

“Hi! I brought a recipe - it’s for a kind of cake!” Aroma chirped, taking out her phone. “I think you have everything here… I’ll help you go down the list step by step!” 

“...okay.” Ivy took a step closer to the island. “Where do we start?”

“Well! We need batter… do you have any cupcake batter, Neko?” Aroma looked over at Neko, who nodded and immediately ran over to the pantry. She rummaged through it and brought out a box. 

_ Examining… _

_ Yellow cake batter. 15.25 ounces. Contains milk, wheat and soy. 0 grams of trans fat. 0mg cholesterol. Shelf life: 465 days. 160 calories. Contains calcium, iron, sodium and potassium.  _

_ Conclusion: not the healthiest option for consumption, however, it is not too bad. It will not harm human health too much.  _

“Are you ready, Ivy?” Neko bounced up and down in place, placing the box of cake batter on the counter. “Ooh - I’m so excited!”

“What am I here for again?” Simon spoke up from next to the refrigerator, looking annoyed and bored.

“For moral support, silly!” Neko huffed. “If you have a bad attitude, then the entire mood will be brought down and  _ that  _ is not very cash money of you.”

_ Cash… cash money? _

_ This has nothing to do with sources of income or income itself… cash and money are interchangeable as well. What does that phrase mean?  _

_ Reminder: search the web for the meaning of this phrase. _

“Er… Ivy? Let’s begin, shall we?” Aroma tapped Ivy’s shoulder to get her attention and reached for the box of batter, grabbing some sort of metal bowl with her other hand. “Uh… we should probably preheat the oven first… oh! I’ll teach you!” Aroma clapped her hands together, seemingly oblivious to the small quarrel between Neko and Simon that was happening in the background. 

“...oh. Okay.” Ivy let Aroma lead her to the oven and Aroma began to explain how the buttons worked, what to press, and how to set the temperature. “So you could just… read what you have to… preheat the oven to on the box?”

“Yeah! It’s right there.” Aroma pointed towards the box. Ivy took the box and turned it around, scanning for any numbers that could resemble degrees or heat.

_ Scanning… _

_ Scanning… _

_ Processing… _

_ Numbers found: 350 degrees fahrenheit. 325 degrees fahrenheit.  _

_ Error: there is no clear answer to what the oven should be set to. _

“There are… two numbers.” Ivy said, pointing to the box. 

“Two numbers… oh! Right - Neko?” Aroma called out to the streamer, who stopped bickering with Simon to answer Aroma's call.

“Yes, Aroma-cham?”

“Do you have a cake pan?” 

“Yes! I do - hold on.” She glared at Simon. “This isn’t over.”

“Oh, I believe it.” He scowled in reply, crossing his arms over his chest as Neko stuck her tongue out at him. She walked away in a huff and went to the cabinets, bending down and rummaging through them until she pulled out a circular cake pan. 

“Here! Do you need a stick of butter to grease the pan?”

“Grease… the pan?” Ivy scrunched up her nose in confusion.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there - thank you.” Aroma took the pan as Ivy blinked in confusion.

“I… I do not see a bridge. If there is no bridge, how will we cross it?” Ivy asked, watching the expressions of everyone in the room morph into something akin to… amusement. 

“It’s an expression.” Simon supplied. “It means that you’ll deal with something when it arises.”

“...huh.” Ivy brought a finger to her chin. 

_ Processing information… _

_ Storing information… _

_ Information stored. _

“Okay. Thank you.” She said quickly. “How will we preheat the oven?”

“Well,” Aroma lit up again, a smile appearing on her face. “You see, it’s not glass, so we have to preheat the oven to 325 degrees…” Aroma demonstrated how to preheat the oven, making sure that Ivy was retaining all of the knowledge. “Now we have to make the batter! It’s super fun, I promise. Could you grab the whisk for me, please?” She asked, opening the box.

“...” Ivy scanned the tools on the island, feeling increasingly confused. She could not identify what a ‘whisk’ was… what did it look like? What were its properties? She couldn’t find anything in her memory bank…

“...what is a whisk?” Ivy asked, frowning. 

“Oh! It’s right there - with the metal loops.” Aroma pointed towards the item that she needed.

... _ that’s  _ what that was called? 

“...did you not know what that was called, Ivy?” Neko sounded as if she was about to start  _ laughing  _ hysterically. 

“Did I say that out loud?” Ivy deadpanned, picking you the ‘whisk’. 

“Yeah. What did you think it was called?” Simon furrowed his eyebrows. 

“...the metal mixing thing.” Ivy muttered in reply, scowling when Neko began to laugh. “Do you blame me? This is the first time I’ve officially used… things in a kitchen.” 

“You’re fine - this is a learning experience!” Aroma chirped in reply. “Now you know what that is! We just need some more ingredients to use it.” 

And so, with the guidance of Neko and the help of Aroma, Ivy was able to gather all the ingredients needed to complete the batter. She helped to mix the ingredients with the whisk ( _ storing information… storing information…)  _ and finally found out what ‘greasing the pan’ was. 

As Aroma used a stick of butter to spread butter around the pan, Ivy hummed in thought, referring back to what she had learned earlier. “I supposed we’ve crossed the bridge at this point?”

Neko giggled, leaning on the island counter. “I guess you could say that. Hey - I’m gonna get us all some drinks! Do you have any requests?”

“I would like some orange juice, please.” Aroma chirped.

“...water would be just fine.” Ivy replied.

“Water for me too.” Simon grumbled, still acting… grumpy. 

Neko stuck her tongue out at him and shooed him out of the way to open the fridge. As she got the drinks, Ivy and Aroma poured the batter into the pan and stuck it into the over. Aroma and Ivy exchanged a high five and went back to the island, Aroma excitedly chattering about how she would help Ivy make some icing for the cake. 

Everything was rather peaceful for a while - Aroma and Ivy were baking, Simon was just hanging out in the corner, and Neko was chugging down cans of lemonade left and right. There was one point where she had two cans on the island - one empty, and one full. 

“Do you think I could make the shot from here, Ivy?” Neko grinned devilishly, reaching towards one of the cans next to her.

“...Don’t know. Based on your angle and position at this moment, you have a 78% chance of making it in.” Ivy said, not looking up from the bowl full of ingredients.

“I’ll take those odds - YEET!” Neko grabbed the can and  _ threw  _ it across the room towards the garbage bag. It would have been okay - it would have been  _ fine,  _ even if she hadn’t made it - however, she must have grabbed the  _ wrong  _ can, because all of a sudden, there was lemonade all over the floor, all over Simon’s pants and all over the hem of Ivy’s jacket. 

Everyone  _ froze. _

It was dead silent.

“...how did you  _ not  _ notice the weight in that can?!” Simon almost yelled, wincing at the dampness on his pants.

“I don’t know!! I just grabbed it!” Neko exclaimed back, her eyebrows furrowing. “Don’t yell at me!”

“My pants are all wet!”

“Someone is  _ grumpy  _ today - and it’s not a big deal! I did this this morning during breakfast-“

“You…” Simon looked horrified. “You drink lemonade for breakfast?!”

“Yeah! What’s wrong with that!” Neko practically screamed. 

“Who drinks  _ lemonade  _ for breakfast?!”

“ _ WHO ORDERS MILK AT A BAR?!” _

_ Initiating block out mode… _

_ Initiating selective hearing… _

“Aroma?” Ivy asked quietly. “That… thing right there. That’s a spatula, correct?” 

“Uh, yeah. It’s a rubber one.” Aroma smiled nervously. “Oh - can you tell me what that is right there? Think of this as a quiz!!”

“That is… a mixer. We are going to use it to mix the ingredients to make the… the…”

“Starts with an F…”

“Frosting! We’re going to use it to make the frosting.”

“Good!”

(“Mmm!!! Floor lemonade!”)

(“That’s  **disgusting.** ”)

“And what are those?”

“They’re measuring… measuring cups?”

“Cups are bigger…”

“Spoons! Measuring spoons. You used them to measure the weird brown liquid that you put in the frosting.” 

“That’s called vanilla extract.” 

(“This would have been better if you would have  _ made it in! _ ”)

(“That doesn’t make a difference!! Lemonade would have gotten all over the floor anyway!”)

(“How did you  _ not  _ feel the weight in the can??”)

(“To be fair I am very strong - don’t  _ laugh  _ at me!”)

“How about one more… oh! What about this one? Aroma hummed, pausing the mixer and grabbing onto the object she was referring to.

Ivy tapped her chin. “Hm… that one is a spoon, correct?”

“Yeah! Good job! You learn fast.” Aroma beamed. “Could you check on the cake please?”

(“I’m literally going to go weigh this full can right now - I’m going  _ right now  _ and I will  _ prove  _ to you that there is literally zero difference between the full and the empty can-)

(“Neko, that’s stupid, there’s no way-“)

(“I can't hear you! I’m gonna do it!”)

Aroma’s eyes flickered over towards the duo, who were heading towards the stairs of the apartment, still arguing. She let out a soft sigh of relief when their yells became distant and put the bowl of frosting on the counter. “They’re finally gone.”

_ Disconnecting from system… _

_ Turning off selective hearing…  _

_ Turning off block out mode… _

“That’s good.” Ivy reached into the oven. “Their arguing was beginning to get rather bothersome…”

“Wait, Ivy, you can't just-“ 

Ivy grabbed onto the pan and took the cake out of the oven, looking back at Aroma with a perplexed face. “...huh?” 

“You can’t just… I’m saying this in case you get to bake in front of other humans, but you can’t just reach into the oven and take the cake out.” Aroma took two… weird fabric things and put them over her hands. “They’re called mittens! They protect the skin from getting burned from the hot temperature.” 

“I see…”

_ Retaining information…  _

_ Storing information…  _

“I’ll take the cake out of the pan! Could you grab the spatula and be ready to start frosting?” Aroma tapped lightly on the pan, smiling when Ivy grabbed the correct tool. “There we go! Good job!” 

Ivy smiled shyly. “...t-thank you-“

“HAH! I WIN!!!” Neko yelled, jumping down the stairs. “THEY’RE NOT SO DIFFERENT AFTER ALL!”

“It’s… a one pound difference.” Simon sighed, running both of his hands over his face. 

Aroma began to laugh as Ivy let out a small groan, hitting herself in the forehead with the rubber spatula. 

“At least it’s lively around here.” Aroma sighed, shaking her head with a smile. 

“...I guess.” Ivy gave Simon an annoyed look before averting her attention back to the spatula, trying to figure out how to scoop the frosting onto it. 

In the end, the cake was a success - she was able to frost it well with the help of Aroma and topped it with a couple of strawberries. Despite the… fighting that was occurring before, Ivy couldn’t say that she felt annoyed or unfulfilled - in fact, she came out of this experience more knowledgeable in… kitchen tools and how to blend in with humans by using mittens! 

The best part about this was that she was able to bring home a piece of cake for Vanessa! And she was able to say that she had a hand in making it. 

...she still had to wash her jacket, though.

…

...stupid full lemonade can. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone say ‘ aria you’re weird for drinking lemonade for breakfast ‘

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this series! Myself and Tikii are part of the crytus 2 hurts discord server (tikii is actually the owner) and if you enjoyed this you'll probably find our crackheadedness in the server very entertaining, here's the link to join if you want https://discord.gg/tcUTmfS and if there's any problems with the link just lmk! Also... I can't believe I wrote this, much less posted it. This felt like a fever dream LMAO. I hope you enjoyed my attempt at writing crack, typically more of an angst writer but this was a joy to write.  
> -Aria


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